This week was interesting to say the least. Earlier this week, I hit a very low point, triggered by stress and the feelings of hopelessness I often struggle with. I couldn’t see a way out of everything I am facing right now. The rest of the week improved slightly.
The idea for this blog post didn’t even come to me until today. I experienced feelings I’m not entirely sure how to put into words.
After reading this post, I decided that I don’t want to write about something negative today. Life cannot improve if everyone is so negative all the time.
So, when I woke up today, I felt that it was going to be just another ho-hum kind of day with nothing exciting happening. I had to run a bunch of errands, which involved driving my grandmother to appointments and eventually going out to breakfast with her.
Normally, being in the same room with her makes puts me on edge. We haven’t always seen eye to eye, and she often can’t say anything positive. Naturally, I expected this trip to be a nightmare.
My idea of how the day would turn out is farther from the truth. We talked to each other in a positive way, and she even encouraged me and gave me ideas about my future. We talked, we laughed, and enjoyed a refreshing breakfast together. I think that’s pretty good!
As we chatted, I thought about my situation and the stress that has been piling up. I heard an interesting quote a few days ago on a TV show that applies here: “Getting where you want to be requires doing a series of uncomfortable things.”
That is where my problem lies. I am trying to do too much at once. We only have so much time in a day. Several people have reminded me that focusing on one objective at a time gives the best outcome.
The idea of stepping out of my comfort zone to put myself out into the world is making me want to crawl in a dark corner, and therefore I do nothing.
Today, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. For the first time in ages, I got through the day without a bombardment of negative words. I heard that voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m doing a great job (no, I’m not crazy).
I even made a Twitter account today because it’s been something I’ve been meaning to do for a very long time. I felt such a sense of immersion, like humanity is all connected. It’s awesome to be able to connect with so many people from so many different places.
For a while now, I think I’ve been hiding. Not only hiding from people, but hiding from my feelings:
“Be a writer,” they said, “you’re so good at it.”
I didn’t want to be because it was expected of me. I didn’t want to do what everyone else wanted me to do.
Eventually, I embraced my persona of a writer. I did it because I felt I was a writer. I changed my major to that of Creative Writing. I thought this was the end of hiding my feelings, but I was mistaken.
See, now I’m stuck. I still enjoy writing, but I feel something is missing. I love music, and feel I cannot function without it. This discovery was recent, but I feel so drawn to it. I begin imaging what it is like to sing in front of people. I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like. Is this a sign? I’m not sure.
In the end, I have discovered that dreams are worth living. It isn’t worth doing something you hate. If you have an inkling inside you to do something, do it! And if life throws you a pitfall, get up and do something greater. The bad moments are meant to get better.
(Before I end, I just want to say that I have a new Twitter account! Feel free to follow me: @LadySilversun.)
I will conclude this post with a poem:
Waterfalls of colored flight
dancing in the morning light
take off your shoes
this waking sadness
the rising sun will diffuse
Down the valley spring
Whispers the trees will bring
Can the young one sing?
Such truth our words will bring
Courageous echoes ring
She has found her wings
Down you fall
into this blissful sleep
The new seed is sewn
a bountiful harvest you will reap