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Hello everyone! I hope everyone is doing great!

This week’s blog post is about why this post almost didn’t happen and why I was so close to giving up this week.

The weekend started out like it normally did: me stressing out over looking for jobs, feeling like I’m not doing a sufficient job at finding a job, and worrying how I’m going to fit everything else in between. Normal stresses, nothing severe enough to push me to my breaking point. I was also feeling under the weather, which certainly didn’t help matters any.

I’m not even sure how I came so close to my breaking point, but it happened. I felt like I was literally losing my mind over not having a job. My “under the weather” feeling morphed into a feeling of powerlessness. I felt so exhausted that I could barely move some days. I’ve suffered from a headache for at least five days now. I had to summon what little strength I had to force myself to do anything. Writing and music, my only creative outlets in life, helped me get out what I was feeling.

Thinking about writing this post and catching up on all the blogs I follow felt like a wall I couldn’t climb. I was terrified by something I normally enjoy doing.

My search for a job didn’t really happen much for me this week. My mind kept trying to justify my need to rest. I’m trying to accept that this week happened for a reason, but that’s taking time to sink in.

And here I am. Though this week is the worst I remember having, I am still here. I am breathing and therefore I am alive. I didn’t give up.

I constantly go through life asking if I am doing enough. The fact that I am trying and have failed means that I am making some progress, no matter how small it may be. If we keep on trying and don’t give up, the light will come. It is in the toughest times that we see our true colors, and I think this week has helped me to see some of mine. To everyone reading who is struggling right now, don’t give up. There is hope and there is a solution to the problems you face. Let love and laughter fill your life!

To end my post, I will include a poem I wrote to help get me through the week:

What is this hideous cascade
This symphony
An endless tirade
Of my tired mind

What is it seeking
What does it want
Please let it kill me
The gravedigger’s taunt

Where are the voices
The stream of second sight
You think this is a choice
To fill my spirit with night

Who are you
And what did you do
To the last of me
The only one who couldn’t see

When will I know
Where life will go
It doesn’t happen
Where has the day been

Why
Can’t I just die
And be reborn in flight
Of the eternal light
Of humanity.

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