This week’s Dungeon Prompt asks: “Tell us about an aspect of your life where you are currently settling for less.”
Recently, negative thoughts of uncertainty have dominated my everyday life. I’ve been praying for clarity to come to me but I’m still not sure of anything.
I’ve been trying to do some self inspection. I’ve been attempting to find out why I do what I do and why I am the way I am. Some of it is making sense but most of it isn’t. I have to remind myself that self discovery takes a lifetime.
I’ve spent my entire life accepting that I have to endure with the negative circumstances I live with and that it will takes several years to get out of them. I’ve accepted that in order to get anywhere in life, I have to keep quiet and keep trucking along.
I’ve never felt that this was settling for less. I told myself that this is just reality since I’m not made of money.
Ideas of doing something great with my life or of landing some six figure job are just wishful thinking to me. It’s easy to say “I can be great someday”, but my mind quickly shoots down that idea since my life doesn’t look that great on paper.
I know deep down that people are not measured as greater than or lesser than. I know that everyone has the potential to be great. However, the monster that is “I’m not good enough” tells me otherwise.
I’ll be completely honest with you all, I feel like a phony sometimes. Here I am trying to give others wisdom and advice when I can’t even apply it to myself.
So I guess writing this has made me realize that I have done nothing but settle for less. It’s hard to get anywhere when other people in my life are doing nothing but trying to sabotage my attempts at getting anywhere.
However, I don’t want to make this all negative. I have been trying to improve. I’ve been working. I’ve been saving up what little money I have. I’ve been taking baby steps in trying to make myself feel better. I keep telling myself it will all get better, because those are the only words I have to go on.
Sorry to make this post mostly negative this week everyone. I’m feeling down lately. I’m hoping that everything will make sense someday.
To end this week, I will post something I wrote earlier this week when I was upset. I’m not sure if I can even call it poetry, but I guess it could be?
I look out, and all I see are fragments…
Broken fragments, fragments of despair, but also fragments of hope.
Am I a part of this? What am I doing to make it so?
For all the wrongs I’ve done, have I done any rights?
For all the second guessing, I guess something must have happened.
For as deeply as the knife has cut, no good has blossomed.
And if it has, how would I know? I have no other words to go by.
The gentle touch of another hand seems so far away. Yet, it is so near.
What am I doing wrong then to keep it this way?
I do my best to keep out of human affairs, yet I remind myself that I am also a human.
I can only suppress my humanity for so long without imploding with despair.
I walk through life on a single path track.
Am I cursed to walk this line forever?
I am young but I am old. Nothing makes sense and madness takes hold (though I do my best to not make it so).