Last post I dove five years into the past. Since I celebrated my birthday on Wednesday, I feel this is a fitting time to delve into this past year in order to find some positive aspects.
I guess if I look back, a lot of things DID happen: my last semester of college, my graduation, my first real job, my first attempt at submitting my writing to a magazine.
In my head, I always tend to tell myself that something is a failure if it isn’t perfect. So after looking at all those positive events, I turned them into “something that isn’t good enough” because it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped.
I felt like my graduating wasn’t anything exciting because everyone and their mother has a college degree these days. I also got my degree at a college that I didn’t even want to go to in the first place (I had no say because my parents were the ones spending the money).
My hours just got cut at my job. This makes me feel like they don’t want me, even though almost everyone I work with also got their hours cut. Therefore, I must not be good enough if I am getting less hours, right?
My writing submission was rejected. Therefore, I must not have proofread enough or the story must not have been good enough, right?
Lately, my gut has been telling me that this “not good enough” train of thought is rubbish. Sure, I got criticized by my family for “not trying hard enough” when job searching. Sure, my hours got cut. Sure, the magazine I submitted to didn’t publish my story. But guess what? I tried. I did what I thought was best at the time.
We all seem to have this fear of falling down. If we get bruises, we tend to shy away from whatever caused those bruises. “I’m never doing X again,” we might say.
If our entire lives were perfect, what would happen? What would we have to look forward to?
Even if it seems like nothing is happening in life, there is something happening. You are moving forward, even if it seems like baby steps.
I will admit, there are days where I question everything: “Why is nothing getting better? Why am I like this? When is it all going to change?” Some days, I don’t have the strength to do much of anything.
But the truth is, nothing is getting better because my mind is stuck in “I’m a failure at everything because I am doing something wrong” mode. The more we see the beauty of ourselves, the brighter the light shines in all of us. I think true freedom comes when we let the shackles of “I’m afraid to show my true self” fall away.
Yes, I will be honest, I am afraid to show my true self. I have been so hurt in the past that I am afraid of speaking at all. All of my posts on this blog have been the closest I have been to revealing my true self. Now, it is up to me to find how to break the chains.
Well, this post turned out to be a lot longer than I expected. It was nice to have a good day on my birthday, because that was one of the few times when I felt like I was doing something right.
So to end off my post, I guess I’ll try to write myself a special poem. Let’s see how it turns out…
It’s another day
of another year
When the universe decided
I had to be here
Amidst all the stars
and all the lights
to endure the scars
of a thousand sleepless nights
my special girl
But we’re here to stay
and let your life unfurl
is only found through falling
right back to Earth
so much you are worth…
No matter how much
your mind cannot touch
there is always more
universe to explore.