I just want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who sent me messages of condolence after last week’s post. I’m still having trouble adjusting to life without her, but I know that it will get easier over time.
After all that has happened recently, I have been beating myself up over things I felt like I could have done or things I could have changed.
Which leads me to today’s post:
For a while (most of my life probably), I’ve had this problem. I’ve felt like I never get anywhere or I can never do anything right. I spend a lot of time alone in my bedroom trying to pinpoint the reasons why I cannot move forward like I feel like I should. Many tears are shed, but I feel like I never get any closer to an answer.
A few days ago, I had a talk with my manager about work related things. At the end of the conversation, she made a comment about how hard I’ve been working and about how I should be scheduled more.
It was a nice compliment. However, my brain immediately went into “self-defeat” mode and questioned how I was worthy of this compliment.
For a few years, I’ve also had a different problem. I’ve felt pain in certain areas of my body. While it isn’t excruciating pain, it is enough to annoy me. I’ve been to doctors to get it checked out, but once again, I got no answers. My ear is one area that is affected, and it is affecting my hearing.
Recently, after doing some reading, I started connecting these two problems. “Perhaps the pain I feel physically is caused by the frustration I feel mentally?” I thought to myself.
Last night, I tried doing some meditation to get to the route of my physical pain.
I concluded that the pain I feel may be partially caused by my lack of self confidence.
I tried repeating my manager’s compliment to myself over and over again as a reminder that I am trying my best and that any negative compliments aimed at me are not rooted in truth.
I feel like it worked, because the pain was barely noticeable today!
So I think that perhaps I am the only one holding myself back. I’ve been so accustomed to feeling defeated that I was holding myself back from success. In order to move forward, we must first love ourselves. If we don’t love ourselves, then no one else will.
I hope everyone has a great week!
I’m going to post a short poem at the end of my post since it’s been a little while:
Perhaps the shells
of untold truths
and weeping wells
were not so smooth
shining off the surface
of a smiling moon
produce many tears
when her children
are paralyzed with fear
turn a corner
and open the lock
a new door awaits
beyond the stubborn rock
the new eyes are salted
with many old droplets
finding only fault
because the mind will not stop it
and all fresh and clean
a new distance
can finally be seen