This week, my little blog reached another milestone. Dream Cloud Diaries turned two years old earlier this week! It feels like I’ve been at this for a lot longer than two years. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read, liked, and made positive comments to my posts for these two years.
Now onto this week’s post!
I will admit that every time I make a post, I kind of fret over it. Not in a bad way, but in a “is this going to sound weird/ridiculous/incorrect?” kind of way. Today my mind is fretting over the fact that I made this post today instead of yesterday!
After reading this post, I came to realize something:
Fear is unrealistic. It is not based in reality. It is merely there to test us; to determine whether we can move past it or not.
In my life, every time I think about moving forward in some way, my mind automatically goes into attack mode:
“You’re not good enough for this. You can’t become friends with this person because it wouldn’t work. You aren’t as good at your job as your co-workers…”
That is the fear talking. It attacks because it knows it is wrong. Like a stubborn child, it clings to outdated beliefs, hoping that through making lots of noise it can prove its point.
It’s funny, because I’ve always felt the most free when I can just be like a child for a while. Things like taking naps, painting pictures, and taking walks are things I very much enjoy, because in those moments, I can just take my time and be as playful as I want to without fearing what others will think of me.
To be honest, I find it funny that parents often scold children for “acting childish”. Being playful and being free of worry is childish? By that logic, being adult means being worried and consumed with fear all the time.
I’m ashamed to admit that I tend to cling to fear. Not intentionally, but it just kind of happens to end up that way.
If I am anxious about something, I tell myself that I have to take some time to decide upon a solution. I then forget about it, hoping the problem will solve itself. So therefore, long after the problem presented itself, I make a on the spot decision without having given much thought to the actual problem. Every time I try to force myself to hurry up and make a decision, it doesn’t work.
I also have this fear like I’m not perfect. I feel inferior to everyone around me. At my job, I feel like I have to be an overachiever to be on the same level as everyone else. My co-workers have made comments about how well I do, but I just shrug off those comments because I feel they are false. In reality, I always have this fear of doing something drastically wrong and getting myself written up or fired (which is of course ridiculous because I always try to do my best.)
In the end, I have to keep reminding myself to just be nice to myself. That message never seems to stick, however. I am so used to criticism that nice comments don’t register sometimes. But, I will get there somehow.
This post is getting a bit long, so I will end it here this week.
But not without a poem, of course 🙂
Have a great week everyone!
Through the thorns
are roses so full
that even the sleeping
feel a great pull
and a life so rich
it can’t be described
by any sales pitch
even when our voice
may be quiet
it does not forget
that it can potentially start a riot
We are not
what our fathers wanted
even when we stray
our destiny will haunt us
the soil so filled
it cannot be distilled
we must find it
and not deny it
and not rest until
the chalice of life we fill